Allen, Woody quotes

1935 American Director Screenwriter Actor Comedian

I d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Allen, Woody
Club

I m not afraid to die, I just don t want to be there when it happens.
Allen, Woody
Death and Dying

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
Allen, Woody
Death and Dying

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Allen, Woody
Disillusion

I don t believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Allen, Woody
Death and Dying

What if nothing exists and we re all in somebody s dream? Or what s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Allen, Woody
Dreams

I don t respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
Allen, Woody
Drugs

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Allen, Woody
History and Historians

In Beverly Hills... they don t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Allen, Woody
Hollywood

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
Allen, Woody
Food and Eating

I don t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Allen, Woody
Immortality

Basically my wife was immature. I d be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
Allen, Woody
Maturity

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Allen, Woody
Life and Living

The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won t get much sleep..
Allen, Woody
Marriage

Marriage is the death of hope.
Allen, Woody
Marriage

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Allen, Woody
Love

I ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Allen, Woody
Intelligence and Intellectuals

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Allen, Woody
Love

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Allen, Woody
Sex

It shows exactly what you can do if you re a total psychotic.
Allen, Woody
Possibilities

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Allen, Woody
Reason

I am at two with nature.
Allen, Woody
Nature

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn t quite coincide with either of her desires.
Allen, Woody
Sex

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Allen, Woody
Money

If my films make one more person miserable, I ll feel I have done my job.
Allen, Woody
Movies

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Allen, Woody
Metaphysics

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Allen, Woody
Success

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
Allen, Woody
Relationships

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Allen, Woody
Skepticism

If you don t fail now and again, it s a sign you re playing it safe.
Allen, Woody
Risk

My one regret in life is that I m not someone else.
Allen, Woody
Regret

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never
Allen, Woody
Science and Scientists

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Allen, Woody
Punishment

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Allen, Woody
Body

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
Allen, Woody
Animals

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Allen, Woody
Comedy and Comedians

I think being funny is not anyone s first choice.
Allen, Woody
Comedy and Comedians

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Allen, Woody
Crime and Criminals