Marx, Groucho quotes
1895-1977 American Comic ActorEither he s dead or my watch has stopped.
Marx, Groucho
Death and Dying
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I m going to be happy in it.
Marx, Groucho
Choice
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Marx, Groucho
Books - Reading
If you ve heard this story before, don t stop me, because I d like to hear it again.
Marx, Groucho
Jokes and Jokers
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he s crooked.
Marx, Groucho
Honesty
I never forget a face, but in your case I ll make an exception.
Marx, Groucho
Faces
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
Marx, Groucho
Envy
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Marx, Groucho
Leaders and Leadership
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Marx, Groucho
Marriage
I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
Marx, Groucho
Poverty and The Poor
Politics doesn t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Marx, Groucho
Politicians and Politics
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me.
Marx, Groucho
People
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Marx, Groucho
Poverty and The Poor
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
Marx, Groucho
Television
No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
Marx, Groucho
Time and Time Management
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Marx, Groucho
Sex
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
Marx, Groucho
Children
I won t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Marx, Groucho
Association
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Marx, Groucho
Age and Aging
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Marx, Groucho
Age and Aging
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
Marx, Groucho
Cooking
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
Marx, Groucho
Autobiography
Although it is generally known, I think it s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Marx, Groucho
Birth
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Marx, Groucho
Writers and Writing
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marx, Groucho
Weddings
Wives are people who feel they don t dance enough.
Marx, Groucho
Wives